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I sure as hell don't want them to tell me who I am 😔😮💨🤥😒🤕😞
Thanking you with all my heart, Dr. C. Your loving presence made a big difference for me today.
Yea. And there's Cathy over there
Thank you
I don't understand why my mother had to elevate herself when she was an RN and I'm relatively uneducated. I'm started to look back at some red flags
Yes I've had a few glasses of wine a couple of times a year. Some years not
Ephesians 4:26. Be ye angry and sin not.
Anger is not wrong. What makes it wrong is when we carry out revenge on the person we're angry with. Which leads to the scripture that says, "Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord". Getting revenge is not our responsibility, it is God's. Let God deal with that person. So in actuality, God is a much better alternative, and you'll reap a better result than trying to handle a situation on your own . That's why the Bible says, pray for those who despitefully use you.
Dr. C,
I love, love, love you as a person! You're videos have been an answer to prayer. I FINALLY understand now, why people do what they do. I'm 55 years old, and I would always look inward, to see if I was the problem. Not realizing that this is the narcissistic way of being. Now I know I'm the healthy one. And now I know to trust my instincts, (like you teach).
However, I would like to comment on what was discussed in this video about why we live in a world of people who do these bad things. And of course, as a Christian, the Bible gives us the answer. From the very beginning, God gave Adam and Eve a command to not eat the fruit of good and evil that was in the center of the garden. And as the Bible tells us, Eve ate of the fruit first, then she gave it to Adam, and he ate it too. From that point on, sin was introduced into the world, and every single person born, is born into sin. And that is where all this evil behavior comes from. And from there we get into the whole purpose of why Jesus had to die on a cross, because His shed blood is a covering of our sin, and we are counted worthy to enter into God's heaven. Now, whether people choose to believe what the Bible teaches is an entirely different subject. However, if they did believe the Bible, the narcissistic behavior probably wouldn't be as problematic on the grandiose scale that it is.
Thank you Dr. Carter for being used by God to enlighten me about the clear behavioral conditions regarding narcissist. You have definitely been an answer to prayer to me. Especially, when I have felt duped by so many people. And especially those people who claim to be Christians. Those are the ones who have kept me puzzled for so long. Now I know that their thinking is quite the opposite of what God teaches. And these are the people I know to keep my distance from, and to be guarded when I am with them. I used to always forgive and carry on with complete faith and trust in the same people that would always hurt and disappoint me. Now I know better.
13:00 your are a scientist that knows how the immune system works you are interested in more freedom not less mutual permission contracts this helps clarity and then science everything has always been formal encryption has never existed it is just conmpujters have inly existed until very recently so history is impossible so you have to have functioning cognitive models as habermas says in order to assess the psychological problems that have such devastating effects omn a species
& that is what you do for us very brilliantly
nothing has to end badly or at least there has to be a mutual contract that one is willing too fail & then the terms of that
our immune systems are like that
we will all be nonverbal soon & if it is any people that are nonverbal language geniuses it is you your brother your wife gus
everything has free will we dont know why but our work is never done
so if we eliminate punishment & mental illness & monetize our effects then we can do more work & then longevity makes sense
you are a hero
Have a great Sunday you & yours Dr. Carter
My sister was a Narc. She did not want any siblings. Between my mother and sister controlling me, I was groomed to like control because they convinced me i couldn't succed without someone else incharge of my life. I married a narc! Nearly fifty years later i have just learned that he is a malignant narc. Every day he stabs me with some comment.. it is awful . But thanks to Dr. Carter I am learning to cope.
I listen faithfully to Dr Carter. It is so comforting to have his words add validation to my experiences.
Oh Wow! I sing Opera. That’s so cool!❤
! found a real gem in today's sharing – "Narcissists see people for what they do, they don't see people for what they are. They don't want to know about your being. They want to know what you are doing and if it will impact them positively or negatively." If I am not in constant motion, the narc dominant personality in my household starts "stalking" me around the house to prod me into discomfort and onto "more chores."
I thought my narcissist friend didn't like others (like me) have emotions because it took the spotlight off her – she had to be centre stage all the time, and others had to play a handmaiden role to all her dramas.
The problem i have with my husband is, he would use his success to silence me. For example he would say, i can at least hold a job, i talk to more people than you. Nobody thinks about me like what you described. And then he would use my disabilities to put me down. " who has ADHD and ASD in the family" " who has social issues" " your problem impacts us way more than mine "…….. These sorts of comments just goes on forever.
There were times my husband would suddenly being very sweet and apologized. But these moments either become things that are going to be on his score borad for future arguments ( look how nice i was to you in the past), or he would be nice to me for a self gaining reasons. Such as wanting to have sex, or we are going to visit friends so he needs me to appear happy.
Can anyone of you related to my experience.
Its almost as if when they say they are sorry, they are actually saying" i didnt do anything" i know it doesnt make sense, but when they apologize, they are concluding that you know an apology was obviously needed to be said and it is done with now. Now you have nothing that can be held against them in their minds.
When we have had discussions about a problem my husband will actually say “ I can’t win with you” my response is always I’m just trying to work this out it’s not about winning?? I would often then get the frustration and silent treatment from him, this was before I discovered narcissism, Thankyou Dr C for making me realize I’m not going crazy!
The lies. I LOVE YOU but sadly a Narcissistic does not and cannot ever know the meaning what that word means..and sadly being a codependent I put up with for almost 30 yrs so anyone young follow Dr. CARTER he is my healing 😇 and Gus too..they sat yiu can't change the past but sadly I wish I could I made so many bad choices as far as being with my family because of him making me feel like I needed to be there for him and his family..and all the people that tell me they saw him for what he was the way he treated me in front of them…
Hi Lorraine, best of luck to you from Mayo. Take care. I've Angles on your case. ❤
Dr. C…….I have found through out the time I was married to the Narcissist, that encouraging others encouraged me too.
Deciding to be the best that I could be in spite of the oppression that he brought.
But living with these people only perpetuate chaos and frustration and anger, but removing myself emotionally from him worked wonders and not allowing myself to absorb his feeling.
Distance although does cut this effect.
Thank you again!!
Lol 😂 I’ve got a golden ticket
I’ve seen this , the golden ticket child gets put aside and someone else’s child gets to be the golden ticket kid it becomes a pattern of people being used it’s not nice going from golden to tossed aside after doing everything to please and do things right it ends up not so nice
Some of them blame stress however there are places to go to get help with stress or find a less stressful job or learn to not bring the stress with them to outings , some stress is good it pushes a person to do better when it’s all put onto another person’s shoulders it causes confusion and helps no one
At the core of EVERY DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY CULT, THERE IS A PROTECTED SEX OFFENDER. OR WORSE… MULTIPLE OFFENDERS…
make no mistake.
I cant believe this happened to me! Got into another stupid argument. I walked away and went to a room to stretch and calm down. I had surgery 6 wks prior, a reverse shoulder replacement. All of a sudden, he charges into the room, throws me into the file cabinet and proceeds to throw me to ground. I kept saying,"hey watch my shoulder!"He was so out of reality! I could not drive yet, felt so stuck. I knew rhen it was enough, tried to find domestic violence and told him so. He then apologized and said we gotta talk about this. I knew he was lying and he called in sick to work. I was so disappointed. I guess I was too afraid and dependent on him at that time. It is still hard to believe 😪
The philosophy, at the beginning of this video was very insightful and valuable. Much appreciated. 🙌
You have to give yourself Grace- I married young-, had a very angry father- and thought I was marrying someone opposite.. I will not beat myself up. We have 3 children together- a grand child. I am working on me. Period! Dr Ramani says you can’t change the weather in Chicago- Dr Carter and Dr Ramani are my Team Healthy. I practice yellow stone, and JADE.. don’t Justify Argue Defend Explain… but, his anger is building- so.. we shall see how well, I am doing..
My notes (not necessarily direct quotes):
25:55 Here's where the scapegoat comes in. So much of a narcissist's building up of their own feeling of power is to find someone who is powerless or that they can render powerless, so that they can say, "Look how much better I am."
26:40 This person is asking if the Golden Child can target the Scapegoat but, with everyone else, be nice? No. Keep in mind that what the Golden Child does is posturing. So, yes, they might be nice around people who can get them somewhere. If a person is a Golden Child and has dedicated themselves to diminishing the Scapegoat inside the family, it's a virtual guarantee that they are going to think that way when they go to work, when they marry, when they are in social circumstances. It's not just individualized to the Scapegoat. To be a winner, they have to have a loser.
28:00 Healthy individuals have power internally. My power is not attached to other individuals and whether they are high or low, because I don't think that way. My power comes from me knowing who I am from the inside out. That is my source of well-being. I don't have the need to go into the competitive mindset that the Golden Child has. No thanks, I don't do that. I can be strong and be my own person without having to belittle anyone in the process. I don't play that game.
28:30 I hope that you can see through the game. That's part of you being able to move away from their grip on your emotional well-being.
29:00 Q: Why is everything with my husband a competition and not about our mutual communal needs? Why is he unable to resolve any kind of problem? Why is he unable to keep his word? Why does he blame me instead of taking responsibility? A: If a person consistently has to be a winner, it implies that their is a whole lot of compensation going on. They are afraid of being a loser. The narcissist deflects their own fears and insecurities by claiming that someone else has it worse. "If I made a mistake, you made a worse one." Accepting responsibility means admitting that they are human, just like you, and they don't like that. They've got to be in power. It's a very dysfunctional way of thinking; I'm trying to think of a strong word for that… Narcissists go into competitive mode because they need a foil to act as the deflection. "If I can get the focus on how bad you are, they we're not going to talk about how much struggle I have on the inside." The more you can see into their dysfunction, the more you can decide to think differently and be a different kind of person. They are competitive because they are fear-based. Making you the loser doesn't change their personality for the better. It's very illogical.
32:15 When a narcissist wants to dismiss a person's emotion, tacitly what they are implying is, "I don't know how to process emotion. I don't know what to do with it. I feel totally inept when someone has emotion." The narcissist would prefer to see people as sources they can use. They don't want to have to deal with the whole personal dimension. They don't want you to find out that they aren't skilled in that area. They will minimize someone's emotions. They may say the person is just trying to be manipulative. But what they are really saying is, "That whole thing about empathy and understanding, it baffles me." Narcissists see people for what they do, not what they are. That is a very big distinction. "What are you doing? Is it going to affect me positively or negatively?" They don't want to admit that they struggle with emotions because it would make them seem weak.
34:20 Q: When a narcissist apologizes, how should we respond? I can't keep accepting these fake apologies. A: "I'm sorry, but your sorry doesn't hold water." What to say to a non-apology apology? Don't give them a blanket exoneration ("Everything is fine."). You can say, "Thank you for saying you're sorry. It's going to take me some time to process this." If the narcissist is serious, they will think that makes sense because there is a history with quite a bit of disruption. You are implying that it's going to take quite a bit of time to see how truthful that apology is. If the narcissist shows they can be patient and understanding, things may improve. The narcissist needs to have an understanding that their apologies have not rung true in the past. If, however, the narcissist is aggressive toward your response, then that says that the apology was phony. They didn't mean it in the first place. To ask for forgiveness implies the need to recognize that you've hurt someone. The narcissist wants you to be impressed with their apology and doesn't want to allow you to think it through in a fuller way. They are just looking for a 'get out of jail free' card. No, not impressed. See how patient they are going to be.
37:50 Q: Where do narcissists get the energy to be so relentless? Their every waking moment is about calculating whom they can use and victimize and how they can get supply. A: Actually, it does wear them out. They don't have the emotional strength to go inward. "It's a whole lot easier for me to make you knuckleheads out there fit my groove so that I can be ok." A narcissists pointing a finger at you and insisting that you must change to suit them is exhibiting psychological laziness. Rather than doing the hard work of their own personal growth, instead they will be relentlessly bossy. They don't want to do their own inner work. They want you to prop them up and make them feel good. It is difficult but rewarding to work on my self-restraint, my willingness to think things through in order to have insight, and my willingness to understand nuances. Narcissists don't want to do that. Their relentless toward you is part of their psychological laziness and deflection.
40:15 Narcissists are in a constant state of dysregulation. It's about selfishness and seeking supply and getting other people to prop you up. Can they learn how to regulate from the inside? Can? I suppose? Will they? A lot of them won't. They don't want to go there. They want you to do it for them. Most of them are unwilling to let go of their selfishness. They are addicted to their own dysfunction. You can see it, understand it, and refuse to carry their torch.
42:30 So, how do you get over the hangover they create in you? I want to make a bona fide effort to know the essence of love. If good options aren't there, at least I'm not going to enter into the negativity. I want to stay as healthy as I can. If someone else says, "Well, I want to be unhealthy," it's like, "I know. I'm not going to join you."
he makes me feel so defeated
I now know I married an “NPD”. I divorced him in 1978, two years after my daughters birth, but he had visitation rights.
After my mothers and death in 2006 and my husbands death six months later I decided to go to moms psychiatrist for grief counseling. Found out mom was NPD as well. Now my daughter married one! Reba is such an empath and he has her baffled. 21 year marriage so far.
My question is do I follow her lead of tap dancing on hollowed eggshells or do I respond with team healthy language?
I was born into a dysfunctional family. My dad left me and my mom when I was 9 months old. I had 7 step-fathers that my mom tried to fix. She sent me away to relatives when I was 3 because that husband swxually abused me. I 2 other occurences… 1 with a family member. I rejoined my mom at the age of 5. We moved 20 times before I was 18. She was controlling and never trusted me. Narcissistic. I married one and stayed married to him 54 years. He had PTSD and AO and never took care of himself…. I took care of him…he was a weekend drunk. We were married 54 years. I vowed to love, honor, and obey. Sooo, after that lonnnng introduction… I am angry, bitter, and unhappy because I feel cheated out of being loved. I'm 75. I am not a drinker or outgoing woman. I feel like I will never know love, and it makes me angry and sad. How do I shake this? I tried everything, including telling my husband what I needed from him, and now I feel like I will never get closure or the love that I si desperately need.😢
Thankful for Dr Carter! He's such a gentle guide in our life 💜
I once saw a cartoon that showed God answering the question of “Why me?” with, “Why not you?” Totally sums it up, don’t you think.
Another superb and informative video. Love being part of team healthy. I am and will always be of the belief that a kind nature and good heart can stand up to the pain caused by hurtful people. With enough good will and support everyone can be helpful and thoughtful.
Thank you
Another informative Q&A. Thanks Dr. C.
How do I handle the sorrow of missing seeing my grandneice and nephews due to my narcistic neice and her husband. They cut all ties after my brother, who they used and abused, passed away. Those kids were my reason to live! I don't have any idea where they are living, and leaving my heart is severely crushed!😢😢😢😢😢
You're really dealing with a 6 or a 9 year old in an adult body, so when you truly realize that, it's a whole lot easier.
Hello. I am so grateful to have found your channel. Your insight is so therapeutic. I can identify with many subscribers of how frustrating it is to live with loved ones who are narcissistic. Hence, I have been married to one for 37 years. Many friends and family believe I am so lucky to have him. However, as I am sure you can ascertain, narcissists are very charming and loved to be the center of attention. As far as my spouse, as long as you compliment him and tell him how great and wonderful he is and most importantly, if you agree with him on "EVERYTHING"then you are a great wonderful being; However, the minute you have a different opinion, you are "crazy, "not playing with a full-deck" or "not too bright." And the list goes on and on. So, thank you so much. This video has been so uplifting for me. I am ecstatic and eager for more content from you Dr. C.
Maybe:
This dysfunction makes us humble, resilient, understand why we need God, dependent only on Him;
All making us long for home.
We are in this world, but not of this world.
We do not belong to this fallen world, fallen people, fallen wisdom, fallen souls.